I heard we made out
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
