i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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