hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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