You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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