I wish I could punch you in the face.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
