just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize