I want you more than these girls want KFC
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
