I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
