Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
a search helicopter?!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
