you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize