Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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