Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
