You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
