Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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