Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
