I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's always time for handjobs
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize