My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
