I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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