it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
