Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
