I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
