is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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