Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
