he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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