i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
