the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just want to make out with him forever
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
