Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
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