The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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