I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
