The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
