just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
