Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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