woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize