Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
