i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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