So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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