PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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