Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
