Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
