btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
