Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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