Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
