If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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