totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
