from now on my penis is your penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
