my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
