I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
