her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
3pm strippers are depressing
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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