Dude my mom stole all your condoms
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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