we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
