Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
