Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
