I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
