so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize