Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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