Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize