I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize