WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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